Things I've not told you

Publicado el 28 ago 2020
Second channel video: esmain.info/goal/v-deo/gKesbs55frKisKs

Comentarios

  • A couple people have mentioned that I might have BPD and have mentioned mania etc. I have been diagnosed with panic disorder and persistent depressive disorder. I have no symptoms, according to multiple doctors, of BPD.

    • I have this weird...imposter syndrome? Abt my mental health sometimes. Like if I’m having a shit day and my anxiety or depression is getting the best of me, I feel like I’m overreacting because even though I have depression, I’m not suicidal so my brain thinks “oh it’s not that bad then.” But there have been days I don’t get out of bed because I can’t bother putting energy into something. I am literally medicated, but I’ve convinced myself that I’m overreacting. I know that the reason is because every time I’ve gone through something or I’m struggling with chronic pain someone tells me I’m “just overreacting” or “I could have it worse” I’m trying to keep myself on a schedule that I put on my fridge so I have something holding me accountable to get things done. I’m hoping it helps as I finish my final year of my bachelors

    • How about unless you have BPD or BD you just don't make a comment on either of those mental disorders 🤔 chances are you do not know the struggle, the symptoms, how these things get treated or even the difference between the two disorders. Just chill y'all. Gulia can take care of her own mental health with her own doctors and therapist. We don't need to diagnose anybody over the internet ever, mainly because you can not. It's unrealistic and unethical. Also what works for you does not mean it is the perfect treatment for someone else. Just be respectful everybody!

    • i honestly see clinical depression. it can happen to people who have certain personality types, like INFP or INFJ where we can border on introversion and extroversion if we do not get the social interactions that we need. and for INFP or INFJ personalities, that sometimes means those we value that are closest to us because normally, we hate people because of the stupidity the rest of the human race puts out. if you have not taken the 16personalities quiz, i highly recommend you do so, @READY TO GLARE. It was given to me by a college orientation professor in 2009 and has given me a high insight into who I am and how to get around lives trials. www.16personalities.com/ I feel you in this, I am here with you. Be safe and I hope things lighten up for all of us soon.

    • Gaia Carney bpd symptoms tend to mimic other symptoms and other symptoms mimic or hide bpd, which is why it’s very hard to diagnose

    • Siena Agosti honestly that’s amazing

  • bruh i get that SAMEE magnetic feeling. its fucking awful

  • So I felt that so hard “2 didn’t think anyone would care” like I care sooo many people care but I feel that. Sometimes getting your emotional brain to listen to your rational brain is fucking hard that emotionally charged sob never listens!🙃 Am I the only one who’s anxiety makes them so afraid like your on a crashing plane fear even tho your safe and sound in your home? I’m talking seriously scared of... well nothing? Just me?

  • I have planned wedding in Las Vegas for couple years. I was meant to have that wedding in August 2020. My law school graduation was canceled...it is just...I am not planning anything ever again. Fu*k that sh*t!

  • I felt that same way about pride being canceled. Pride is the ine day I genuinely look foreard to all year long.

  • I'd like to hear about the stuff you cut.

  • warning big psych nerd moment below. I am in my senior year of my psych degree, and my school requires we do research for this year, and this idea of these overly positive platitudes and their effect on others well being is what I am do a study on. research has shown that when people who aren't in a healthy mind set or head space, and people present them with this toxic or excessive positivity, it leads them to feel even more down and even worse (and I can def attest to that bc I have seen so many of my friends posting shit like that and it always makes me feel worse bc I don't feel as happy as them) and that is possibly because there is in a sense an expectation that if others are happy and showing me their happiness, I should feel happy too. so I just basically wanted to say that you are not alone in this feeling and dude I feel it hella right now and it sucks, but I am so thankful for your honesty about your feelings and state of mind right now because it helps me feel less alone in all this and I just recently started watching you and wow I have hella binged your content lol.

  • I usually go to California every spring with my tax return to see my family, my grandma especially cuz she's not gonna be here forever and neither am I. I still haven't gotten my tax return, my health continues to fail and it still doesn't seem real that my mom died 3 years ago in April, the one year we decided to visit other cities instead of family in California.

    • My health really started failing on my way home from my mom's funeral 3.5 years ago. In that time, I've been diagnosed with: Sjogren's Syndrome w/ peripheral neuropathy Mixed Connective Tissue Disease Cataracts in both eyes Reynaud Syndrome Pulmonary arterial hypertension Interstitial lung Disease Usher Syndrome So, yea. I likely don't haven't much longer.

  • This was very therapeutic to read. I’m suffering from the loss of my mom to cancer. In a few week period last year, my mom died, my fiancé left me, my dog died, and I lost my job. I was just dragging myself out of that deep dark hole in a new job when out of the blue my relationship with my best friend of 30 years collapsed for reasons unknown. I was mistreated at my subsequent job and fired. I am 32 and I feel like my career as a lawyer is over before it began. I’ve been living in isolation for months now having had to move home with my dad. I struggle with depression and self worth daily. I’m not trying to make this a pity party for me- it helps to articulate what happened out loud. Since my mom died my brothers don’t speak to me or reach other. I feel like the last year has been watching everything I know and love be torn apart. But, we all have to keep on trying and putting ourselves out there and keep hoping for better times. We can’t let despair win.

  • Ive been feeling super insecure lately, like absolute crap- i dont have a job and socializing scares me so much i cry when thinking about talking to strangers after i apply to jobs. Also my bf is great and stuff so when he talks about being flirted with at a dutch bros or something i feel like pushing him away so he can be with someone prettier and stuff idk i hate myself lmao anyway yall like salsa music?

  • Has anyone here tried cbt apps? where you journal your moods and that gives you tips? if so which one did you like?

  • Great video bless up🙏🏾

  • Late summer is the anniversary of when I was conned into walking into a psych ward and it cost me everything I ever cared about. I fucking hate, I loathe, I abhor summer.

  • Damn I’m so glad that I’m not the only one that has relapsed I’m self harm and feeling like you’re almost suicidal. COVID19, my ex cheating and my dad dying have put me in a very bad place mentally.

  • Ps #Gawddess is real IMHO & she #LOVES U X She Made U DuH

  • i relate to this video so hard tysm for expressing yourself better than i ever could #Peace and #Love From #Maine (USA)

    • Ooops this is my friends account lol my name is #MilesCAllen or @iornbornsunflower on #insta

  • What is the name of your second channel?

  • Girl we care about you hun.I suffer through anxiety and was put on antidepressants in January cause of a broken friendship and threaten to commit suicide not to mention heavily drinking again (I am doing better now) .Take it easy on yourself. ❤

  • It gets more and more hard but i'll try to hold on, i never talk about my mental health with anyone and it life becomes more and more unbearable for me with all that's happened in my life, but the one good thing is i haven't self harmed in years.

  • Sometimes i'm scared of myself. I'm scared that i'll lost control of my mind and kill myself.

  • You seem lovely! Stay strong!!!!

  • I think you are admirable I am 50 years old, I have two half brothers from the same dad (and one half brother from the same mum who is a really well grounded, decent individual) my dad was an alcoholic, all 3 of us are/were addicts and alcoholics and have problems with depression and anxiety, self harm, suicide (attempts and actual, my brother threw himself under a train) I have been clean and been trying different medication and different behaviour therapy for the last ten years and although it has taken time and a hell of a lot of effort, I feel less hopeless now.... as you describe it so well, I’m not glad to be alive, but I don’t feel like I’m dragging myself through tar everyday to do anything at all. I don’t know how you make yourself do these videos regularly and keep yourself going... I always make sure I have a job where it will be a real nightmare if I don’t turn up, that keeps the pressure up so I don’t just think it’s ok to pull sickies all the time when I am in the black.... you make yourself responsible for yourself, and my admiration is enormous... anyone who can feel like this and yet not have to rely on outside pressure to make them keep going is absolutely remarkable.... you are a strong woman G, I hope you can attain the mental ease you deserve for not just giving up... it’s so so hard some days, but it is ALWAYS better with depression to absolutely force yourself to do things, even small things... it becomes worse and worse otherwise... Thankyou Giuliana

  • This year has been a complete shit show, I wasn't allowed to go see my gf in June and on Sept 5th my cat died and I haven't been handling that well. Especially because a few days before she died she just looked so miserable and sickly and it felt like no one in my family cared or was listening when I expressed wanting to take her to the vet (vets are emergency only right now, which is expensive.) And now that I've decided to move out after New Year, I keep asking my family to help me get the things I need to move (boxes, bubblewrap, etc) and again it feels like they aren't listening to me and just ignoring what I'm saying. It's incredibly frustrating and having these frustrations alongside being sad about my cat is a horrible mix. No one will read this but it does feel a little better having it all type out.

  • This felt good. I've been feeling so gaslit by everything around me. I hope this video felt good for you too.

  • Ive watched hundreds of your videos and ive never commented, just because i enjoy watching back to back while im cleaning on my break etc. But i realized this is a community...ive been working throughout the whole pandemic for an internet retailer with the public everdyay has been so exhausting new rules , new confrontations of cust who refuse to get 6 feet away infact they get closer than before avoiding the plexi glass(i have a full album with pics) ive gotten sick twice and everytime with my heart sinking if its covid im tired im really tired my work only cares about sales while we are trying our best to not get sick and have a job i have a small child and my husband at home i try my best to cautious clean like a maniac so when a human comes and puts there mask down to talk to me gets close i feel so disrespected. I Found a new hate for humans but i try to remain kind

  • Suicide Awareness Month being a meaningful part of public conciousness, I was compelled to take notice of a new face in the feed. Thank you for feeling like an old friend in helping me grapple with some abstract ideas that have been keeping me mired...I got things to really analyze, not just keep apologizing, it's a testament to how easy I can be persuaded by my drug proclivities, and the struggle to find meaning in life that will get to do things like get out of bed, eat an actual meal for the day, and find reasons to smile for someone else, if not myself. Let these tears express my gratitude.

  • I just started to watch your videos. When you mentioned self-harm, I couldn't help but relate. I wish you the best and I'm sorry that you were unable to go to Italy.

  • Can you please make a cooking/recipe video on some of the best Italian foods you or your mom have made over the years? I want to visit Italy someday but because of Covid-19 rn idk when that will ever happen. I love Italian food but I'm new to learning how to cook. I would love a video on some recipes that are meaningful to you that you recommend other people try. I think it would be really cool and I think other viewers other than me would enjoy seeing you do that. :) You could also film the video speaking in your native language with subtitles. I think that would be beautiful. 💖

  • I’m late to the show but I just had a break last weekend and got into School of Life on ESmain it’s somehow relaxing without being fake.

  • I feel like I’m loosing my humanity

  • I feel what she's saying.

  • you eloquently described how i am feeling...so, genuinely thank you so much for sharing. ily

  • I turn things that should be okay into self harm, like I'll overdo things to the point that it's painful and causes issues with my already fragile health. The pandemic has robbed me of my one physically and mentally soothing activity. I use hand drumming as a therapeutic. I could do this alone, but it's not the same as connecting with other drummers. I've got multiple mental health disorders: BPD, tendency to self-harm, anxiety, ADHD, suicidal thoughts and a lot of difficulty interfacing with my own emotions and the emotions of others. I recently slipped back into the picking/plucking form of self harm because of the stresses of being cooped up with someone who basically looks at me like I'm a pile of dog poop. Being physically ill on top of all that makes it even worse. Add to that having a new therapist and having to start all over and it's the worst possible scenario I can imagine. I'm hoping that a job I applied for won't fall through like the last 3 so I can at least get out of the house and feel useful and more free again.

  • I find that most of my mental health is situational, I've been diagnosed with major depressive disorder but my depressive episodes only happen when my physical health (Sjogrens/POTS/PCOS) takes a nose dive. HOWEVER, I really identify with that lack of motivation. I graduated from university in July and have felt entirely unmotivated to do anythings since then even though I have goals such as developing my career blog, starting a youtube channel, and learning Python... but where is my motivation from school... it just like noped outta here

  • I am currently going though the most difficult point of my entire life. I've never hit rock bottom but this sure as hell feels like it. I resonated with this video and this video was something that I needed to watch/ needed to hear right now. Thank you. Endlessly.

  • I know I'm a bit late to this video but I've been binging your channel today and it feels so refreshing to hear someone talk about how taxing this year has been. As an ambivert/omnivert I don't always get out but I made sure to at least 1-2 times a month. Living in a conservative state initially alot of people weren't (and still often aren't) wearing masks and I live in a rather crowded valley so I got to a point where I felt like I couldn't even walk around outside safely. Living in a townhome with no yard and two dogs made that even worse. Quarantine got so bad me and my husband are now selling our townhome and upgrading to a standalone home to at least have a people free yard for us and our dogs. Were living with in laws which is its own bundle of stress, but even here the days are melting together. My health habits have gone to shit and my depression has been so bad this year. I drink way more than is healthy, eat shitty food (bigger portions that I need) and seem to have permafucked my sleep schedule. I am at my highest weight ever, which once upon a time having been underweight this really bothers me. Were going to rennovate the house that we are buying, and I'm hoping by gaining the additional space, the yard, our own 4 standalone walls and being able to set up a home gym that I can stop the days from melting together and reset my health habits, eat proper portions, the right kind of food, quit drinking beer and save liquor only for the weekends when its been earned and spend more time outside with my dogs. TLDR: This year sucks, forced me to really look at my living situation and now I've fully lost it and am moving in the middle of a pandemic, hoping it will improve things. Love your channel

  • I usually never comment on videos bc I don't have much to say and bc I find my 15y/o profile pic awkward as fuck but i just been subscribed to your channel for a whole week and i fucking LOVE your content. This video hit close to my heart, i suffer from BPD and the feelings you talk about like somedays feeling at the edge of fucking exploding, i was already dealing with this way before lockdown bc of my disorder but after that i just feel worse. So im glad you shared this with us just wanted to say thank u and keep going, greetings from spain ♥️

  • I got emotional watching that video regarding your fear of home invasion. I have the exact same debilitating fear. When I'm home alone I pay attention to a lot of noises and I have to call my girlfriend to help me stay grounded to reality. This is to the point I'll walk around the house with a kitchen knife or I'll do sweeps around my house with my phone ready to dial 911. These episodes of paranoia interfere with my ability to enjoy life; and most of the time, my girlfriend/family chalks it up to me being irrational which I already acknowledge. I know I even sound unhinged typing about this, but even if people know my worries are unreasonable, my anxiety is the realest shit when it comes to dealing with it. Hearing you pretty much take the words out of my mouth and conceptualize it from such a empathetic point of view makes me so happy. I feel so validated and not alone in my paranoia. Please continue to get help! I also recommend mindfulness mediation as a coping mechanism. I relate a lot to your anxieties, and it's been really helpful in grounding myself, so I'm thinking it might help you!

  • I don't know if you would categorize this as unhelpful but I see a very strong person when I look at you and you inspire me. It makes my heart break, to know what you are going through and that you hurt yourself. For what it's worth, I know what it feels like to be in a dark headspace. And I'm sure you know this but you are not alone.

  • You are a beautiful soul. I have no idea how I ended up on your channel, but I'll take it as one of those "signs." 😊 Thank you for sharing.

  • Mental health has been a ride and a half in quarantine. Between the stress from my paranoid nature and swapping anti psychotics (the old one worked but triggered fuckin lactation... Fml) its been a hassle. My sleep is all fucked and I dropped almost 20lbs in 2 months (on heavy psych meds and testosterone shots that both should cause appetite). I'm just glad I can visit Gramma again. 4 months without seein her or havin a hug was hard af. She is mom/dad/gramma all in one and I may be 27 but I'm used to seein her every 4-6 weeks at most.

  • I’ve been on Zoloft for about a year. I went from a 25 mg dose in March, to 150 mg now, and it’s not working anymore. I’m glad that someone I look up to is talking about this, so thank you. I’m sorry that you relapsed, I’m about 2 years clean of cutting, I know how upsetting it is to fall into it again but please don’t feel bad for it ok? It happens, and you can get through it I promise. I’ve got tons of love for you, so know that even if you feel alone, there’s a sad 17 year old girl who is always thinking about you because you remind me of my older sister who isn’t here anymore (she isn’t dead, but she’s really addicted to drugs and I don’t know who she is anymore)

  • I get what you're saying about people who don't understand saying stuff like "it'll get better". Like, no, it really won't, but if you talk about it, maybe it won't feel like you've got a thousand angry bees in your head that just keep stinging you until you want to do something drastic to get rid of them. Although, there are some days that you just have to get a white-knuckle grip on your sanity and ride it out, hoping tomorrow will be better.

  • So i purposefully decided not to watch this video when you uploaded it because i thought it might be too triggering for me at that time(because of said reason the video is talking about, i have personally got some issues of mine own who are getting a little bit.. 'out of hand', as of late) Anyways.. So i decided to watch it now, realising now while at the end that maybe it was probably a better idea to watch it sooner rather than later, after all you (to me) give great mental health advice. I just wanted to thank you for that :) If you say you talk more about Mental Health on your second channel then i will definitely take a look.

  • Do you realise depression is because of your diet. You must of not been fed raw meat as a kid

  • I haven't self harmed in nearly 6 years, since my first son was born. But before that it was a vicious cycle and consistent to say the least. I've had many many days, especially this past year that I've felt the need to, and I honestly don't know what stopped me other than imagining the questions my kids would ask if they saw the wounds. You're definitely not alone and I appreciate your openness and transparency with some thing so sensitive and personal. Thank you.

  • My anxiety and depression got to the point recently where I wasn't even leaving my room. The one thing I was told when younger was (very cynically) "The writing must be on the walls then". So I wrote that on a blank piece of paper. Whenever I have a negative self-thought, I attempt to take the "writing on the wall" and see if I can draw something between less negative and sometimes even positive from it."I'm stupid" becomes "You used the correct contraction".

  • I doubt anyone will find this helpful at all. But I often find myself bouncing between episodes of contentment/happiness and episodes of anxiety and hypochondria. I also struggle with depression. The thing that gets me through the worst of my mental illnesses is the thought that these feelings are only temporary. I won't feel this bad forever. This bad episode will come to an end and I will start feeling happy again. Yes, it certainly won't be the last one. But the next one will too come to an end eventually. Currently, I'm in a bad spot. Nothing goes wrong yet I feel anxious and just depressed all day. I'm constantly convincing myself that I am suffering from all these diseases. So needless to say, I've felt shitty these past few weeks. Like Glare said, I'm hanging on. Because I won't feel this shitty forever.

  • Completely unrelated but I've been watching your videos a bunch recently, and not necessarily in chronological order, but I just realized that your hair changes daily and not yearly lmao. I just thought the dark hair was a section of your videos, and the blonde was a era of videos, and now I saw the purple and I feel dumb lol

  • I"ll try to keep this short! My COVID bipolar journey. Three months or so in, sick with stress, I call my doc's office and say "I really need a counselling session." "Sorry, all the clinics are closed." (The bars have been open for several months.) I phoned the mental health clinic I used to visit (I made a good connection with a psychiatrist there), and the woman handling the phones said "Sorry, your file has been closed." In a panic, I phone my doc's back and she says, "Just go to any walk-in clinic, and any doctor will reinstate your file." There followed a nightmare of trundling around to clinics that were closed, except for one doctor who looked like he didn't know what I was talking about. I phoned my doc again (and each time I call, I am on hold upwards of an hour), and they said, "Don't worry, we'll call them and straighten it all out right away." I waited a day, called them back and got a puzzled, "no, we haven't heard a thing, sorry, your file is closed, we can't help you and we're backed up until late September anyway" (this was mid-June). SOOOOOO, I pulled my bipolar big girl pants up and sucked it up and just tried to carry on without help. Then I get a call, out of the blue, from Royal Columbian Hospital where I used to be hospitalized many years ago during my very lowest points. I was sexually abused in this hospital and emotionally destroyed and humiliated. The woman said, "You have an appointment with Dr. So-and-so" (a psychiatrist who was a co-worker of the doctor who abused me and who stuck up for him and got him out of trouble). My stomach went through the floor. No one asked me about this, no one TOLD me about this, I was given no warning and no choice, and it was a total emotional and mental ambush. I was triggered massively for the rest of the day, remembering how they would pull out files that were ten years out of date and ask me things like, "Well, how much are you drinking now?" (my sobriety date is November 30, 1990), and insist I had borderline personality disorder after my last shrink called me a "textbook case" of bipolar. Nothing like that muddle of confusion over diagnosis and medication to make you feel stable again! I finally decided, to hell with all this, I will just have to dig deep within myself and find the resources to get through this a day at a time and be okay. There is quite literally no help for me now. I made one final call to my doc's and they told me (obviously irritable and sick of hearing from me), "Just go to Emergency then." I said, "No, I can't do that" (worse humiliation than the hospital!) They then said, "Well, we just want you to know what your options are" and quickly hung up.

  • How you described your depressive state (with the magnets) is how I felt and sometimes how I feel. I just didn't know how to describe it.

  • Hey Giulia, I am nearly two weeks late with this comment, but I hope you see it anyway. First off, I am so sorry that you're struggling with mental health issues. Due to personal experience, I can very much relate to what you said in this video. Non è affatto facile, trovarsi faccia a faccia con depressione, brutti ricordi, trauma e quant'altro, quando si è costretti all'isolamento più totale dello stare a casa. Come hai detto tu, anche se siamo introverse come persone, quel minimo di vedersi con la gente a cui teniamo (che poi sia famiglia o amici alla fine fa lo stesso) e poter avere un po' d'aria fresca quando ne hai veramente bisogno... È qualcosa di cui non possiamo fare a meno. I had been stuck in Scotland for a good while, unable to see my family because of my complicated double nationality and the fact that my Italian ID card had expired. My mother had to send me a with the new ID at some point, because I wouldn't have been able to return at all otherwise (non ti fanno rimpatriare senza un documento italiano), especially once Italy became nearly blacklisted as country to travel to. Many people in my family also depend on tourism in Rome to make a living (my aunt more than others) and they nearly had to lose their job or declare complete bankruptcy due to Corona. Perdonami anche il fatto che faccio avanti e indietro tra l'Italiano e l'Inglese, ma a volte viene da esprimermi meglio in una lingua piuttosto che l'altra. Sapendo poi che tu parli entrambe me ne approfitto un po' per non dover pensare mezz'ora a come formulare un sentimento o un pensiero. Se ti da fastidio, però, dimmelo e mi terrò a una lingua sola a tua scelta. The point I'm trying to make here by saying all this is: don't feel alone. Many people are in your or a similar position. For instance, I had a really bad panic attack due to food poisoning one day. I was completely alone in my student accommodation as everybody else had gone home and the panic attack stemmed from the fact that if I had called out for help, nobody would have been there to help me. I'm also single and a useless bean (as my username implies), so I had no SO to rely on. I thought I was going to die alone. I don't think there's anything more anguishing than being cut off from everyone like this. I did end up phoning a friend and she was able to calm me down, but I have a troubled relationship to my family (as some of the fear of dying alone stems from their neglect) and was unable to phone up my parents right away, since it would have just 'caused a scene'. Either way, it sounds like you have a good relationship to your mother, so I can only imagine what it must have felt like, to be stuck overseas, unable to see your family. I hope this whole thing blows over so you can finally be reunited with the people you love. Un abbraccio forte forte, Una tua fan Italo-Anglofona. Stay safe.

  • i can relate to many of the things ur going thru. thanx for putting it into words and helping me to realize im not crazy or alone. luv and support.

  • I haven't been okay in a very long time. Even long before lockdown I've felt so isolated. Now I feel like I can't even go see my family, they're just a few hours away.

  • Hey girl, I just discovered your channel a couple of days ago, but I already watched several of your videos. And I would like to tell you that God has an incredible mission for you and you are doing an amazing job bringing serious topics to ESmain. Don't give up. Keep fighting the good fight. Keep being the voice of those who can't speak for themselves. I know that you might have seen horrible things in this world. I pray for the Holy Spirit to give you strength and power to overcome your pains and sorrows. May God be with you today and always.

  • so, hum... i'm gonna try to vent here about what's been going on, because i truly feel lost. i'm 15, from brazil, and for the past 2/3 years i've been going to therapy, and taking antidepressant meds and that hole thing. i've been off my meds for about 6 month and i... don't feel a thing. even while i was taking my meds, i didn't feel shit. i can cry, and feel my stomach ache with anxiety, my chest crap, but i don't feel anymore. i don't feel excitement. i used to draw, since i was 6 or 7 and I loved it, but i lost my passion for absolutely everything. i feel like a ghost of what i was. last year i dreamt that I was in my house, and there was a girl my age following me around. she did nothing except talk to me with a weird tone, but i ran from her. she never chased me, i just ran. at one point, i locked the door and she did nothing except say "you can't be in there forever". i went to the front yard, i had the keys to the gate in my hands, the gate was 2 meters away from me, but i threw the key to the other side of the fence and yelled for help. at one point of the dream, the fence was open, i could see my family on the other side os the fence and i yelled "dad, please help me" and i threw the key to him, begging to be saved when i could just walk out. is that what I've been doing with my mental health...? i'm so dismotivated, i don't do things anymore, i'm almost failing my grade in school, i don't text any of my friends, and i don't feel a thing. people have been telling me i can't wait for a sign, a want to change, but i feel nothing except the need to just lay down and sleep all day. i don't feel anything, but i keep looking for validation, for someone to tell me "it's not your fault", but I'm throwing the fucking key out, when I could just leave. i feel so manipulative, because i always say things to get people to pitty me and say, again and again, "it's not your fault". i have a fucked up family, but i don't see how it could fuck me up this way. what is happening to me?

  • I feel your struggle. My mom lives in Hawaii and I haven't seen her in over a year. It's awful.

  • I probably should have noticed that something was wrong in the beginning of quarantine when my ADHD got worse. I couldn’t focus on anything and it took me hours to get things done. Quarantine put a lot of things on hold. Getting my drivers license. My sweet 16. Starting the track team. But I think the two important things that I was going to do but couldn’t was 1. Actively fight against social anxiety disorder and 2. Open up to a counselor about my trauma. Essentially, I was ready for my mental health to get better. Over time I got progressively worse and I’m not really sure what it is. The quarantine, the setback, everything going on in the world or just being stuck in the place where most of my traumas happened. Probably a combination of those things. I don’t think being taken of my antidepressants helped, but I did it because I was originally taking Zoloft and it stopped working. They switched me to another antidepressant but it didn’t work so they took me off. It was the strangest thing because Zoloft worked for so long and unfortunately this wasn’t the first time meds stopped working after a while. The first sign I noticed of my mental health declining was my anxiety getting worse. And then I started loosing motivation to do anything. A month ago I had a panic attack in the first time in a year. I started dissociating again. I’ve probably hallucinated a few times too, and to add to it my mood swings were all over the place. And then I completely relapsed. My depressive episodes came back. I was starting to get suicidal thoughts every now and then. In fact the last time I was suicidal was probably three weeks ago. A month ago I relapsed on self harm. I had been clean for a year until then. I’ve also abandoned someone who I thought was one of my best friends because she choose a group of childish adults over me. My fear of abandonment has never been so bad before. I’m just now realizing how bad my mental health has gotten and I’m afraid I’m in the same position I was in middle school, where I was depressed and suicidal every few weeks. Recently, I’ve been very paranoid. I’ve started having intrusive thoughts and OCD-like behavior, which again, hasn’t happened in a while. On top of that I’ve been feeling very guilty over a serious mistake I made a few years ago. And my mood swings have gotten more severe. I tried breaking the bathroom mirror, but ended up snapping my sister’s toothbrush in half because I threw it at the mirror. I feel fine now, but I notice that I’m still anxious for some reason. And I’m terrified that my friends are abandoning me. I’m seeing a new psychologist but I honestly have no idea how to talk to her.

  • i feel like this is the best like to dislike ratio ive ever seen for a video. This brings me faith that the world can be good.

  • A lot of the things you said really resonated with me. (Rant incoming) Tbh, the year started out great for me. I regularly went to the gym, ate healthy, spent time with friends, was getting excited about my graduation, was doing really well in uni and in general just felt great. And then Covid came and basically destroyed all that. I wasn't able to meet my friends anymore, was locked up in my very tiny students dorm room, couldn't concentrate for online classes, our gym closed etc. We weren't able to hold a graduation ceremony so I wasn't really able to say goodbye to a lot of people and professors and now I can't find a job or internship because the area I want to go into (event management) was hit so hard by the situation and there's barely any open positions where I live. I'm now at my worst mental state I've ever been in yet. I have days, like you, where I wake up and the day already seems ruined so I just wait for the hours to pass until I go to sleep, hoping that the next day will somehow be better but it rarely is. And then I feel guilty about wasting my time. All my friends have moved away after our graduation so I'm pretty much alone where I live. I've started to sh again, which I haven't done in over 2 years so it feels like I've wasted all that progress. I often don't have the energy to really cook for myself so either I only eat very little, or I binge eat unhealthy stuff and I have therefore gained back all the weight I had lost throughout the past year. I don't have the motivation to do anything most of the time even though there are a lot of things I should be doing, like looking for a job or improving the skills or the knowledge that I already have instead of letting it all go to waste. I know I should probably get therapy but it's so hard for me to find a therapist that I feel like I could be comfortable with. I also don't have any plans for the future because whenever I think about what my life could be like in 5 or 10 years and where I want to be at that point of time, it always seems like whatever goals I set myself I won't be able to reach them anyways. And apart from that, most of the time I can't even imagine myself existing at that point of time. Idk. It always feels pointless to even make plans that far into the future because I feel like that future doesn't exist for me. So...yeah. Currently I don't know what to do, really. I feel horrible about myself like 90% of the time and when something good happens it feels unreal, like it's not really happening to me. I'm holding on because I know leaving would hurt some people, mainly my parents but there are days where I'm not sure about that anymore. But anyways, it's always comforting to hear that someone understands how this feels, at least to some extend, even though you don't know me and I don't really know you. So thank you for being so open about this :)

  • Thank you for being so candid, it genuinely helped me feel less alone. My grandma passed away last week- I feel like covid robbed me of precious time with her that I can’t get back. Grief feels a bit like wading through tar right now, but I’m deciding to hang on too

  • Being stuck at home, out of work and putting up with my mum's annoying loud-mouthed husband is no fun, especially when his voice gets on my nerves and makes me want to smack him in the back of the skull.

  • I’m scared to hear my diagnosis.

  • "When my anxious thoughts multiply within me...". Absolutely every human being has been dismissive of the Bible. For each one of us, in this fallen state, it is natural. Those words are the words of David. He experienced a lot and expressed his emotions openly and very well. Even older people like me, with our decades of having respect for scripture, underestimate the written Word. When I mentioned the Bible, was the reaction from extensive knowledge of the Bible? Or was it a natural yet unfair assessment based on that state of being? Resistance can be actively resisted in order to act out of the measure of faith that we who came to be in order to have a relationship with God all have. Jesus impacted, streamlined, access. Seek and you will find. David went through what you are describing. Things are weird here. But we can know Jesus, Who is fully God. The Son. ♥️

  • Same here... It’s like you’re speaking for me 😊. Thank you for being so open and the great advice.

  • The whole sleeping in and can't get up because there is basically no reason...I feel that....uhm...when I get depressed, I try to find a hobby. It can be something random. Turns out I like bonsai and finding mushrooms outside. Anything . If there is stuff you need to get done like dishes, do three dishes at a time. (All this is a lot easier said then done)

  • My "OMG it's fall, less light, more depression" panic has set in.

  • I found the days merged together and I did not know week from weekend. I made an arrangement with a friend who lived on the other side of the country to call me every Monday and Saturday. She was positive and encouraging as I was frustrated at sleeping in later and later ( early riser most of the time). I am an introvert and genuinely loved painting my Warhammer models and reading a lot. Think I got through about 20 novels. I did notice that although those things kept me happy and content my mind kept wandering back to negative things from the past. I am 39 and was bullied heavily all through school. Those things seemed to come to the surface more readily. Just my personal account of how it was for me. If anyone had it worse but can identify with my experience I hope you can pull the strength back. I did but it was a very draining effort. Stay strong and try your best. A.

  • This year has been incredibly difficult. I'm a stay at home mum who gave birth to my second the first week of this pandemic. I went into labour the day before I had my son, so I went to the supermarket to get our big weekly shop in (not panic buying, but enough as I knew we were going down the route of locking down and I didnt want to be stuck without food in post birth). Went to get shower gel to take to hospital with me and a man pushed me so hard out the way into a shelf that I had a bruise across my abdomin for a week after I'd given birth. That has kind of set the tone for the whole lock down for me really. My eldest is currently being diagnosed as autistic and its just all been very overwhelming. On the one hand I've had my husband home this whole time, but he isn't doing well. He is terrified he's going to be made redundant at any moment and we won't have any income, and as much as he tries to help he needs a lot more support then I'm able to give right now. I made so many promises to my toddler of things we were going to do over the summer, (nothing huge, just normal mundane stuff I couldn't have ever anticipated being a no go) and with her being autistic she doesn't forget what I've told her. With what little speech she has, she constantly asks me why we can't go out to the pools or to soft play and she just doesn't understand. I try my best to explain, but she's reached a stage where if I say she can't go, she calls herself naughty, or bad, so in her eyes she thinks this is some kind of longterm punishment. It makes me feel like complete shit. The concept that she has to start nursery in the spring keeps me up at night. She needs to see a specialist for speech, but she can't with this lockdown, and the idea of sending her to school while she's not vocal, and knowing she cant tell people what she wants or needs or being unable to make friends due to her not talking stresses me to the point of tears.

  • Thank you so much for uploading this video. As difficult as it must of been to record this and speaking not only for myself but so many others struggling day to day, you have no idea how much this video helps. Your amazing! ❤️

  • This video really helped me, and I've really wanted to rant for a while about this, and you've made me feel like this is the place to do it. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 7 years ago, due to some kind of admin error (I guess?), I was never informed of this or treated, and despite periodically ending up at the doctors every couple of years, either for depression, self-harm, psychosis, or whatever I was going through, no one picked up on the diagnosis. Most of my life has been shit to put it bluntly. Just a fucking shitty seesaw of making awful decisions that I then have to try and live with through depression, making any depression I was experiencing worse because I hated myself for all my impulsive, irresponsible behaviour. Anyway, I recently moved to a new place and switched doctors, and they picked up the diagnosis from 7 years ago when I registered and called me to ask why I wasn't on treatment etc. I've been going through pretty bad depression, relapsed on self- harm also, and this just hit me like a ton of bricks, and I still haven't really come to terms with it, and everyday seems to be getting worse as I'm on a wait list for treatment. I'm really trying to hold on right now, for my fiancees sake, but man it's hard.

  • Thank you for being brave and sharing this with so many, me included, that desperately need to hear it. You’re a rare light in my dark-filled world. Much love from me to everyone who is suffering through so much right now.

  • temperance isnt a stupid concept. if you cant hang out, hang on man

  • I've been feeling like this for months now.i recently got diagnosed with depression, general anxiety, ADHD and possible BPD. this year has fucking rocked my shit dude. I hope nothing but the best for you. I hope we can get out of this year alive.

  • Thank you, although it's horrible to hear how terribly everyone is doing this year, it's encouraging to know I'm not alone. There is hope, not for something unattainable, but just for something better to any capacity than whatever this shitshow of a year has been, ya know? Idk :(

  • Yeah, ever since quarantine started,my depression has been getting worse and worse and being stuck with my brother all the time doesn't help either...

  • I've been struggling with my mind for the past few years, it was manageable but since the quarantine started, it just started going downhill. My husband lost his job so I was working throughout most of it but as soon as businesses started picking up, my boss suddenly slapped me with 12 hour shifts and 8 online ghost restaurants for me to deal with. I was being paid so little and being overworked so much I started waking up crying, as soon as I was out of work I was tired, crying and I felt like my mind was slipping away. Then I found out my coworkers were being paid more for less hours and work and I kinda lost it, I applied to places and thought I had found a job so I left that one only to be told nvm. I was also upset because I kept begging my husband to apply to unemployment so we wouldnt have to survive with my little paycheck but he kept on ignoring me saying he wasnt gonna accept no handouts so all of my money basically went to bills and whatever the fuck he wanted to get like cigarettes and his dumb ass online gaming. After leaving the job, I applied to more places but nothing and after almost 2 months, a lot has happened and now I just struggle to shower, clean or even get out of bed. It's been so hard because my husband is not helping out that much like I get it, hes dealing with his stuff too but I'm basically alone I cant just sit down with my family and discuss it. Most of the friends I had are too busy living their mom lives that I don't fit in because no kids and some I cut out of my life because they weren't just using me so no luck talking to someone there. I guess the only reason why I havent dived into dangerous ground is because I have a dog that I love so much and also a kitten I just rescued last week. I cant leave them alone, they're too precious and I know no one will take care of them like I do so I guess that's keeping me on safe ground. I just wish I could get some help but I'm so broke I cant do it so I have to hope and find strength to keep myself together. Its getting hard but I'll do anything for my pets so living like this it's worth somehow idk. Sorry for the rant but I just wish I could talk it out with someone because its getting harder and harder to stay sane. I hope the quarantine ends soon and you get to see your mom.

  • Ty for the transparency!! This yr has been the hardest for many of us. I feel like the world's gonna end any day now. It's hard to b positive when everything around us is falling apart. I feel ya gurl. Ur def not alone in ur feelings either. DEPRESSION is real . Ur videos help me get thru the day. ty for that. Stay strong I'm pretty sure that this too will pass can't b sure but I'm hoping!!

  • My mother is a narcissistic sociopath who has never loved me and incapable of doing so who subjected me and my siblings to abuse from herself and others, and refuses to acknowledge this. I hate her, I wish she was dead, but I also wish I could just not care. I also recognize that I used to exhibit some of her behavior and qualities and while I have worked on myself to rectify those aspects of my personality and mental issues, I have to accept that she and those tendencies are a part of me. I just recently had my first child, whom she nor most of my family know anything about, and I can't share with them in his growth and progress or ask them for help because I want to protect him from their toxicity. Plus the world seems to have gone to shit, I gave birth in April, right after the pandemic broke out. So ... who the fuck cares, and who the fuck can relate? I don't suffer from typical depression where I struggle to get out of bed. I'm back at work, pay my bills and even exercise when I can. However from time to time, I just want to cry. I wish I had a mother who cared, who loved me and would love my son, especially during these times. But I don't, and even if I don't feel like it, I have to truck on anyway and my boy deserves a good mother. But seriously. Who can relate? Who knows for a fact that their own mother doesn't love them through no fault of their own?

  • I have had the urge to scream into the void for the past couple of months but it never seems to happen. I cry myself to sleep. I am so starved for touch and closeness that I've just given into that I'm probably going to be lonely for a very long time and the only thing keeping me alive are my cats.

  • We were _one day_ from finalizing our family trip, which this year was going to be to Disneyland. And our family trip is with our dad who lives in OK (my brother and his family and I live in CA) but this year it was also going to include my aunt and cousins and all their kids who live in TX and CO. We had been planning this trip since last summer and I was _so_ looking forward to it (especially because I’m on dialysis so it’s a huge pain in the ass to travel and get treatment somewhere else, so I don’t travel much _at all)_ There’s really no point to this comment except to say that I FEEL YOU. It _has_ felt like one long, depressing day since March. I don’t even go to the grocery store anymore, I get them delivered and all but one of my 3 doctor visits that I usually have are done via zoom so the _only_ time I go anywhere is to the one doctor or to the pharmacy to pick up my scripts (and every Tue, Thur & Sat to dialysis at 4am) It’s been Groundhog Day for 5 months now for me. You’re not alone. I completely understand how you feel. I can’t wait until they find a vaccine for this shit!

  • Gahhhh I feel this so hard, thank you. I have depression and undiagnosed ADHD and working from home has been absolutely soul-sucking. I live in Washington DC and I don’t have a car so I can’t really do anything but stay in my apartment every day. My family in the Midwest don’t get it because they have basically resumed normal life there while other areas are taking the pandemic more seriously. I just keep telling myself that time is flying anyway so I might as well endure the purgatory until things get easier. There’s no magic phrase anyone can say to me to make me feel better or more motivated, you know? Thanks for putting it into words.

  • I feel better just for listen to this!

  • I think a lot of people should be more open about this kind of stuff because a lot of us feel the same way and talking about it with each other and supporting one another I think can help bring us closer together in society. Maybe make some big changes that way. All I know is after everything I have been through I know I am strong and I can get through it. It sucks like hell but I've gotten through my hardest days so far and now I am looking towards more happy days and even the tough days to appreciate my life more.

  • Thank you for this! Just making it through the day and being ok with it is how it has to be sometimes. Just keep hanging on! ❤️❤️❤️

  • This video was really helpful, like you said it's like a therapy session but someone else is talking for you. So thank you for sharing how you've been feeling. I know a lot of us can really relate to this. Especially with the pandemic, mental health can be an even bigger struggle than usual. I think the part about finding a balance of being informed and watching too much is really important. Also the part about just trying to hang on and take each day one at a time. It's okay to have days where you just get through it even if it isn't a great day. People should be proud of that, too. I hope you and everyone in the comments can hang on and find someone to talk to

  • 😘

  • Love your colour scheme in this video, it is very pretty 😊

  • My teenage daughter is currently going through a self harm stage, it's absolutely terrifying. I know it's hard to talk about but I wish more people would. When I realized what she had been doing I felt so alone. I reached out to a few friends and they said they felt the same way they were going through the same with their daughters. If anyone has suggestions or has gone through this it would be nice to chat ❤️

  • Please take the time to do ALL the self care you need. Blessed Be Sister

  • I feel this. At the beginning of quarantine I was just coming off maternity leave and there has been so much that I feel like we haven’t been able to do with our baby that I imagined doing. So it’s like at first I struggled with postpartum and really bad anxiety that got worse as covid started and now for the past few weeks it’s just been feeling low. It’s like just feeling stuck you know? It’s definitely rough so I’m sending you good vibes ❤️

  • My entire life is full of trauma. I've gone through sexual, mental, emotional, and verbal abuse - and I'm still going through all of those but the sexual. This year for me can be summed up as: realizing things. Realizing I'm autistic and have ADHD and really fucking horrible imposter syndrome. I've only ever been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and my whole life, my mental health has never been taken seriously, save for a few friends, and it's always been downplayed. I've been misdiagnosed countless times. So on and so forth. I've just had my entire life full of nothing but trauma and just overall very severe mental health issues. And this year has given me more and more time to reflect, so more and more time to figure out more of my problems. And oh boy do I have so many. I've relapsed on self-harm. I've attempted suicide more times than I can count and I've been in-patient 3 different times and out-patient 2 different times. Just overall, my life is fucking garbage and I genuinely don't know how this year has been for me and I don't know how my mental health has been this year.

  • im scared of being a low/average iq person and i have no idea why

  • I'm young compared to all of ya'll but yeah covid sucks i was a extrovert and that got shut down and then losing connection to my friends and people just left me feeling useless cause I loved to talk to people cause i thought i was helping people get comfortable in life and when i look back at myself and i see just an attention seeking jerk omg I'm ranting..

  • Hey I admire the fuck outta you and I empathize with your situation. I care about you! I know its not much but I’m sending you love and strength

  • thank you for sharing this here. I am going through severe depression caused by rmultiple racial agressions ( I'm a black woman). I am getting the help that I need but honestly, I haven't seen it coming until reaching the edges of what I was able to handle by myself. Medication and therapy help me a lot on my journey to feel myslef again. Love your content, your honesty. Hand in yours! We've got this :)

  • Thank You!!!!!! I needed this!!

  • Girly. Have you tried shadow work?

  • I think anyone with even a modicum of empathy is absolute fucking drained right now. It's just too much. And many of us are missing out on life, out of care and respect for others as well as ourselves, and we see people out living it up like Covid isn't real and the world isn't burning in every sense of the word. I've yet to reach the level of debilitating depression, but I feel I'm on the cusp. Sending you 💜

  • aw dam, sometimes iv very glad i don't have emotion. Tho keep it up only found the vids and there quite lit